So I had an email from the XO this morning when I woke up :) He said thank you for the texts I sent him, and he told me the seas are OK so far, but that they expect to run into bad weather from Hurricane Earl sometime during the next few days. Idk exactly where the XO is, they don't get told til they actually leave. Just that he's somewhere off the East Coast this time. Other times he's been off the coast of Cuba, South America, or Haiti. It just depends on what their mission is.
Mostly, because he's the XO and he has a very logical mind, the email was about telling me to go home to my parents if the hurricane comes close. And he admonished me "And NO swimming", with a smiley face, which coming from the XO is an expression of love. I am learning more about how we differ in communication styles, and getting more comfortable with it. I thought what he said was sweet and funny. We have a lot of things in common, but he finds it difficult sometimes to write an email that's more personal ;) I think that is just how he is sometimes, esp. when at work. His emails aren't always businesslike, but abt half the time they are. I find this reassuring. It used to frighten me. But now I see it as an expression of his emotional stability, which is one of the big things that I love about him.
I wrote back something cute, and funny, and longer than his, but just me being me. And I told him that I love him.
When I miss him, I go to my dresser drawer, open it, and take out the undershirt he left me. It smells like him. As a foodie and a former pastry chef, I've often been made fun of by family and friends for smelling my food before eating it. I take so much pleasure in the smell of something I like that it's crazy. I can't describe it. It's one of the reasons I know we as human beings are meant to enjoy life on this earth and not just wait drearily for an afterlife. If there is a God, he or she would never have given us a sense of taste or smell if he or she intended earthly existence to be meaningless. I mean srsly, even picking up a moist vanilla bean pod or standing by the ocean at high tide-- or even low tide, as pungent as it is-- to me is proof that whether science or a hidden hand created the world, there are little pockets of joy to be sniffed out everywhere! I love that about life.
Most of the shirt just smells like my cutie. Lke the XO. But part of it smells like Old Spice, which I love, because it's what my brothers wore growing up, so to me it early defined my sense of what a guy, and then later on a man, should smell like. Before he left, I told the XO part of his shirt smelled like Old Spice, and I loved it. He surprised me by saying, "Probably the armpits." I laughed. It's true. He uses Old Spice deodorant. So yeah. I stand there for just a sec with my eyes closed (I just realized that I always smell yummy things with my eyes closed, and I usually sigh afterward, but it's a happy sigh), smell the body of the shirt to smell just him, then smell the armpit to smell something stronger that reminds me of him clean-shaven, wearing a nice shirt, looking handsome, waiting to take me out on a date and tell me that I look nice.
For some reason that shirt really helps me :)
The haunted pie dish is another story. But tonight, I was happy, and in the mood to tell you about the undershirt first. :) For me, even the little victories are big. If you know what I mean.
And to be honest with myself, I have to add that the increase in my meds, which has helped me so much over the past few days, has the unfortunate side effect of making me sleepy and dizzy, and this is interfering with me getting to work. So tomorrow I am going to cut a pill in half and make it in. I need to be honest with myself on here. You have no idea how hard this is. I edited this post 5 times before I forced myself to add this paragraph. But I am trying trying trying to make a real commitment to change. And that can only happen if I stop fudging the truth about how I handle my life. I feel scared.
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