truth

it's getting harder and harder to write about this honestly, even on here. it's too painful to think about, so i try to avoid it. but every other year of my life, that's how i've handled it, so it never got better.

doing the real work of changing is much different and a million times harder than i thought it was for the past year. i thought it just involved talking to someone once a week.

it doesn't. it means changing how i live, learning how to take care of myself so that i can live alone (i've always lived with friends or boyfriends), being regular about meds and my morning work routine, going to group therapy, adding more structure into the life of someone who is fundamentally a free spirit and who barely brushes her teeth consistently once a day :) i feed and water my pets more regularly than i take care of myself. this is gonna be hard. it got so deeply rooted so long ago that fixing it, even admitting it's a much bigger challenge than i thought it was, is hard to do. it scares me more than almost anything.

i have to make a phone call i am nervous about tonight. i have to call the XO. well, i dont have to, but i want to. there are a couple of things that happened this weekend between us that i need to know more of the truth about.

we went out to dinner, he mentioned his "dream sheet." (i will explain this later.) i excused myself and went to the ladies' room to text my best friend. i wrote, "how can he be so dopey as to bring that up during a date?" she wrote back, "he's a guy. i hope your nite gets better." the XO said that he doesnt like thinking about it either. more on that later too.

by the time we got home, we were having fun again. we always do get along very well. he was smiling, kissing me, looking up at my face, and i said, "i love your shoulders, i love your face, i love your kindness and intellectual curiosity." he smiled with real happiness and said, "It sounds like you love me."

i couldnt believe it. i said, "is that okay?" he said, "yes. i love you." i asked why. he said, "Because you're a wonderful person. You're sweet, kind, and loving. And....." i wont write the rest, but it involved him thinking im cute too (i find him incredibly attractive).

that's all i can handle for now. but that moment made me so happy i couldve just died in his arms right there. he wanted to know i loved him, and he told me he still loves me too. i wasnt really thinking id ever hear that from him again in a romantic way.

I still love the XO....

and I think I need to tell him. I told him last night I still had feelings for him and asked if he did for me. he said that wasnt a hard question, of course he still has feelings for me or he would just stop seeing me altogether. I explained to him that if that should change, I would want to know so that I could say goodbye for awhile and have time to heal and then come back and be friends.

I love him so very much. It is hard to put into words. I don't think I can. I just know if there were anything I could do to make him smile or make him happy, I would gladly do it. I miss him. I miss his smell. I miss his body and his arms around me and being close to him and going bowling with him. I miss everything except the distance.

He said that he misses me when I'm not around. I asked him if he ever did, and explained if he didnt, I would need to know so that I could change how I act around him and deal with my feelings. He knew what I meant. He said yes, he does miss me sometimes when I am not around.

Tonight I asked out a Coastie I met on Match-- he's just a ship maintenance guy, not super smart like the XO-- and he drove an hour down to where I live to see me. I asked him out because I know he's worked on the XO's ship, he met the XO once, and he's part of the same life the XO lives without me. I asked him out because I wanted to be close to the XO tonight because I missed him so much, but didn't dare tell him that, and couldnt, out of pride-- he did dump me.

I just wanted to have beers with him, but we ended up in bed together. It was great until I just all of a sudden curled up in a ball and started to cry. I explained to him it wasnt him, it was bc I felt like I had betrayed the XO. I said I was still in love with him.

This guy thinks I am very sexy and loved being with me, but had never met me before and I knew that I would not be hurting his feelings. Besides, I had to tell him the truth. I couldnt let him think he made me cry. That would have been horrible.

He was nice about it. He said he was fine, there was nothing to cry about. Then he put his hands on mine, and I felt the same calluses the XO has on his fingers, in the same places. I said so and started to cry again. He said, No, I don't want to make you cry! I said no, it's cool, I like the calluses. It's okay. I dried my eyes. I laughed about it a little.

Life is so difficult. Or not life. Love is. You can't make it do what you want. He said, "See, all these guys ruin it for guys like me. They make you women all gun-shy and sad." I think he was trying to be sweet or flatter me. But it was nice. He behaved well throughout.

I would like to see him again, but not until I can do so without crying. I told him that. He kept kissing me and saying I had such soft lips. He really made me feel good about myself in a way I had forgotten men do, the way the XO used to do, the way the XO did the last time he came to my place, when he kept calling me beautiful and saying other special things to make me feel wonderful, not just like we were loving each other.

I am pretty confused except that I know I love the XO.

This week, my new therapist told me she thinks I need more help than she can provide, and she thinks I need a partial outpatient hospital situation. I was terrified, panicked, and flabbergasted. She said my depression is too much.

Now work is threatening me about it. I got a scary email today. I have a scary meeting on Tuesday about my poor attendance during the short term disability for the anxiety, and the HR lady was so mean to me on the phone that I did not do a good enough job of defending myself. I wrote an email later in response to hers, did not send it, re read it hours later, revised, and sent it. I felt it was better to be truthful if I am going down, than to say nothing at all. It is better to try. I explained my doctor told me this week she thinks I am in the midst of a medical crisis that may result in hospitalization, and that the doctor said I should know by Tuesday morning whether I will be OK or not. All of this is true, the doctor said all of those things-- I just couldnt tell work in my email that it was psychological hospital treatment, round the clock therapy for depression. They probably think it is surgery or something. But it is as medically dire as surgery. It is keeping me from living an independent life. The doctor said if I cant learn to manage my depression, I will not be able to live on my own.

Nothing she could have said would have scared me more than that. It has been my greatest fear ever since growing up and seeing my crazy grandmother at every holiday. You dont understand. I was so frightened I couldnt breathe or speak.

And in the midst of this all, still, I feel this overwhelmingly calm and pure love for the XO, almost like agape but not really because I am in love with him, but as close to agape as I have ever been with a boyfriend. My feelings for him are something I may never be able to fully articulate, understand, or share with him. He was the first good, smart, intellectually curious, attractive, successful, interesting man who ever loved me. No one can ever know what that means, or how much I admire him and like just being with him, talking about history and politics and cooking and art and books and dogs and everything under the sun, how good I feel when we are just hanging out being together and being kind to each other and sharing an interesting conversation. I've never had that.

I love you, Mr. XO. I can say it here, but I can't say it irl. But at least saying it here lets me express it somehow. There's so much love inside me sometimes for the man he was to me when we met that I feel I will burst. I don't understand. Only time will tell.

red flag

im re reading what i just wrote and realizing that this week, bc i have other issues stressing me out (my family and my work), im losing my perspective over this relationship. over the past 2 weeks i had overall been in a pretty positive and balanced and honest place abt it w myself and w him.

i have too many big things going on at once this week, and that is always what triggers my major anxiety symptoms. always. for all my life, im okay when i have several little things or one big thing to handle, but if 3 or 4 big things (by big i mean things that emotionally matter very much to me, for whatever reason) come up at the same time, i crumble.

this is what i need help with. i need to tell Catherine this tomorrow. im considering printing out some of these entries for her to read later. she just met me. it will help her get an idea of how my mind works and what's going on with me. i suck at talking.

took my meds but feel like im having a panic attack

havent heard from the xo since this sunday. if he doesnt text me til saturday i will feel like he really doesnt have feelings for me anymore and just wants to hang out to hang out or bc he is trying to be nice or likes being friends w benefits even tho he told me it was dating not friends w benefits.

i am getting to some sort of crisis point here where i need to tell him im still in love with him. yeah im on a dating website. yeah i m talking to guys about coffee dates, to begin the slow process of getting to know a new man as a friend first. im not jumping into anything crazy. i am so far from ready and i know that.

but idk why exactly but i am freaking out. i feel like he is being taken away from me. or like his heart is. if that is really what is going on in his heart, i need to know. he said there was a possibility, that he still had feelings too, just wasnt ready and didnt know if i was the one (how can he know w the mental state hes in? he cant).

but now im asking myself if he ever loved me at all.

my male friend would say i dont need the answer to this question today, to give things a few weeks to evolve and then make a decision based on the xo's overall behavior.... character arc... whatever you wanna call it ;) that was a sad wan smile, attempt at a joke (the character arc).

but i feel like i am going further and further down a downward spiral and need help. i have therapy tmrw a m . idk what to do btwn now and then. i keep wanting to call him, and i know he'd be as honest with me as he is able to, but id like to stick to what ive been doing lately-- not contacting him unless he contacts me first. i feel like it makes me more attractive to him and also, it helps me learn abt him, and it helps keep me from feeling totally, 100% pathetic.

i am lost. idk what to do. thoughts? anyone??? :-( i hardly ever have actual panic attacks, just general anxiety, so today i am really freaking out physically and mentally. i feel sick. i just realized i was going to write "i feel sick with worry" and then edited that mentally bc it sounds shameful, like i am crazy. but is that not the definition of having anxiety? literally being sick with worry?

somebody please help me...

today, my blackest day yet

for some reason, idk why. okay i lie. it's bc im wondering whether the xo's unsolicited texts every few days are just him checking up on me as a friend. i need to find out, next time i see him or before he leaves again, whether he still has feelings for me like he said he did when he dumped me, whether he still loves me like he also said when he dumped me, or whether that's all evaporating into a pile of oh we re just friends goo. i dont really believe that to be the case bc things were always intensely romantic btwn us right from the beginning and bc we have too many similarities for that to be true, and i also dont wanna ask bc then if whatever hes working thru has the poss to work thru and include him having feelings for me again, i dont wanna wreck that.

but all day today i just felt empty. like he was gone. and hes not. im seeing him saturday. but derek wants me to hook up with him and i wont bc of the xo. if a cool guy asked me on a date id go, sure. a date is just fun. but sex? no. im-- that's still part of what the xo and i are doing. and i cant do it with anybody else if i am doing it with him. because i love him, i still am in love with him, and i still have feelings for him. i cant. i lay there and cuddled half heartedly w derek-- both of us had our clothes on, of course-- and he mentioned that all i'd talked about since i came over was the xo. i smiled and said maybe another night. to be nice. i like him. he's a decent neighbor and a good kid. but i have more interest in going to the dentist right now than i do in random sex with some guy, even a friend.

i have already told the xo, the last time i saw him, that i would let him know if things became physical with anyone else. and i asked him if he was seeing anyone. he laughed and said no. i think he wants freedom from all emotions for right now, and knows he really fucked things up with me, so isnt looking to hurt anybody else. that's based on my knowledge of who he is and things he's told me.

im babbling. i realize im babbling bc it's late and im depressed and i love him and i know at some point i need to tell him my feelings for him havent changed even one tiny little iota.... but for now, im pretty sure he knows that or he wouldnt be acting as gently as he has been.

we'll work it out. we're both kind, good people who shared something special and still care for each other and always will, at least as dear friends, even if we never see each other again after his redeployment i know i can count on him to wish me nothing but happiness, and never to be petty. pettiness is not one of the xo's faults. that much i have learned.

i love you, sweetie. good nite.

imaginary sand dollar on my wrist

how do you give up the sea and the stars once youve found them? how do you find them again? you make sure you keep them in whatever form theyre willing to appear. if they become your friends, you are better off than if you lose them completely. because by them, you are able to see better who you are, whom and what you admire, and where you want your life to go. maybe they're the only sea and stars youve ever really had, and that experience is something special no matter what.

i want one more tattoo. so that i will never forget what i have learned, even if he ends up being nothing but a friend. i want the sand dollar he found me, with the words "explore" and "remember".

i admired and respected him all along for how he lives his life. it's more what i want to be like than what im like right now. not his personality, i like my personality. but his strength, his strength of character, his logic, his courage, his willingness to explore life and see as much as he can and be himself and do things as much as he can.

meeting him is important to me regardless of what happens between now and june. and regardless of how much i love him still and am in love with him, if i am honest.

otherwise, he wouldnt have been the person i admired so much i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. to me, he will always be the sea but especially the stars, navigation, math, thoughtful analysis of anything he comes into contact with (except his own emotions).

also, he has been gentle with me, and kind, and tried to make me happy in little things. i notice them. i do the same stuff for him. we're trying to be kind to each other. it is a form of caring. i dont know if on his side it is love. it is on mine. but i havent hidden that from him. im just myself with him now. i stay positive and balanced, but i let him see the emotion behind it too.

i told him ething last week. so far, i am glad that i did.

how can someone change how you think so much and teach you so much without even trying? it must be because im ready. sometimes the same thing happens with my hot friend who gave me the t pass. but it wasnt until recently that i realized all along, the same things have been happening with the XO too. ive been learning things from him that ive been starved all my life to learn. and since he is a good person overall, no amount of romantic pain can keep me away from keeping on learning those lessons as much as he will let me before he leaves in june. knowing certain people changes your life. he is one of those people for me. he is not the only one. ive met at least two others this year. but he definitely is one. and that is why i maintain a relationship with him even though my friends think that is nuts, and part of me agrees with them.

the truth is, though, as real as all these reasons are..... love is behind them as much as anything. i am still in love with him. i have to admit that to myself. i am still in love with my baby.

I can't go out on the balcony to look at the stars, because you love the stars, you navigate by them, you have a constellation app in your iPhone that you scrolled through on every date to show me which ones had me dazzled that night. So on my balcony seeing two stars tonight I cried. Saturday I saw the same one, very bright, and asked you. You said, "It's Venus." I laughed and teased you and said no, Venus was right here beside you. You said No, that's Aphrodite. I laughed again.

I can't go walk on the beach where I used to watch for your ship in the far distance on its way up to Portsmouth, where you used to text me as I walked, where you told me you had a surprise for me when I was sad, and the surprise was that you were coming home the next day.

I can't swim in the water where you held me, arms straight out, letting me ride on the current but keeping me safe, where you were almost pathetically eager to find me a sand dollar because I mentioned once how I wanted one and had never found one on my own.

The night I heard from you finally, I didn't want to, but I picked up that sand dollar from the tiny blue Chinese dish I kept it in, someplace beautiful to keep something precious, and crushed it in my fingers til all I felt was the sand sliding down my skin into the sink. It was gone. I'll never get it back. I'll never get you back.

I should never have asked to see you in your work clothes. You looked so handsome, such a natural leader, radiating authority and intelligence and confidence from those blue eyes lighter than the blue of your officer's uniform. It stopped my heart. You smiled and said you were distracting me from getting changed myself, and turned and went back to the living room so that I could put on what I had brought for you to see me in. But you in that moment were so beautiful and no longer mine that afterwards, I couldn't stand it. I gently kicked the blue pants under the bed. I softly pushed the blue button down flame retardant blouse over the other side of the mattress. One arm stayed on the bed, the rest hanging. I stretched-- the bed is wide-- and shoved it once, twice. Finally it went over the edge. I couldn't look at it and think of you so handsome in it and know that you no longer looked at me the way you did the day you were desperate to find the sand dollar, the way you looked at me the day I was feeling unsure about you and you looked so upset I came wading back to you through the surf and put my arms around your chest and squeezed you tight. I just wanted to see you smile again.

I don't know what love is if this is not love.

Still havent heard from my "boyfriend".

Is this really happening?

How can someone whose last act before leaving was to tell me he loves me and would email me knowingly cause me so much pain, when I've specifically asked him to END MY PAIN by just fucking telling me the truth? Would a bad answer hurt? Yeah, but I fucking asked for it so if it is bad I can start to move on. YOU ARE TORTURING ME! Selfish. So selfish.

Fucking man up, E. I believed in you. I believed in your integrity. I never ever would have thought you'd leave me twisting in the wind this way.

Don't laugh.... well, laugh, I did ;)

Couldn't control myself and felt I had expressed myself badly yesterday. Promise no more emails, but felt I had to translate my GIRL email from yesterday into GUY for my military man. Here it is:


Hi E_____,

If my previous email was too wordy or girly (as in emotionally confusing to a guy :) , let me ask my questions more plainly. I know you are an honest person, and I am looking for honest answers:

1. I want to know if you are still interested in getting to know me better, and in dating me exclusively?

2. I also want to know if you still love me, or feel like you said that too soon?

3. If you feel you said it too soon, but are still interested in getting to know me better and finding out whether this could lead to something serious, I would like to keep seeing you, because I have real feelings for you and I enjoy the time we spend together; are you amenable to this?

4. But if you don't love me AND you are not interested in getting to know me better with any possibility of something serious down the road, I would not be OK with that, so would you please just tell me?

Thank you :) And I'm sorry, I know you hate talking about emotions, but I really think we need some clarity between us here. And if you ever needed to ask me anything, I would gladly answer in kind.


P.S. If I'm over reacting and your emails were just you being you...... please accept my apologies ;-) and I owe you a beer. LOL! Please forgive me and understand, I am asking these questions because, what with your being away, I haven't had enough time to get to know you well enough to "read between the lines." I am not usually so confused or uncertain about what my partner is thinking. It's a combination of the long distance happening so early in us getting to know each other.

What I sent ystrdy morning. Havent heard back yet. V. upset

"E.______,

I've been really busy lately with photography and friends, and I'm guessing you have been extraordinarily busy because I haven't heard from you too much. I know you're busier at sea anyway; that's the nature of the job, to my understanding :) So, my apologies if I've been emailing too much-- I always figured you would tell me (teasingly, but directly ;) if you were having a busier mission than usual or if I did anything wrong.

But it's almost time for you guys to come home, right? And... I miss you. I want to hang out with you and get to know you better when you get back. I feel like you've been away most of the time we've known each other-- so far.

What I'm saying is, I love you. And I need to know if you love me and miss me too. If you do, that's great, I am really really happy :) Because I do have real feelings for you. And we can take it slow. IF you are really interested in getting to know me better.

But if you're not interested, and you haven't been telling me, and I am supposed to read between the lines (you haven't said you missed me or love me lately), you need to tell me. It isn't fair to me, or right. Before you left, you said we were boyfriend and girlfriend. That's all I have to go on.

I love you. I hope this is just me misreading how busy you are, and that you communicate less chattily than I do ;) If so, that doesn't bother me. I just need to know I'm doing the right thing by staying in touch. :-) The reason why I am asking is just because it's been almost 3 weeks and you haven't once said "I love you" or "I miss you", and I''m used to hearing those things from you sometimes. I don't need you to respond to every email. I just need to be reminded sometimes that you care for me. If emailing me IS your way of doing that, then tell me, so I can understand you better, because that would make me happy :) I just feel like I have no information to go on, and I'm trying to figure you out.

Hoping to hear something happy back from you,
(and sorry for doing this over email-- I tried to wait, but have been feeling more and more like I need to be honest with you)
love,
me."

Like pulling teeth

Replied to the XO's nice email on the 15th with a couple of things, he hasn't written since. Fuck him. I know they are busy working day and night but really? Seriously he does not have time before he lies down to go to bed to email me one line, like I love you or I miss you or I'm wiped out, ttys?

This is the shit I am talking abt. It makes me feel sick inside. To me, it feels like he has the time (I believe that they all work much longer hours at sea, that's just the nature of the job; I just mean anyone has time every 2 days or so to send a one line email as they are getting dressed for work or going to bed at night) but not the inclination.

How the fuck do you think that makes me feel? Cherished? Valued? Cared about? Loved? Hell, even NOTICED?

I feel, if anything, fucking ignored and shoved aside.

Fuck him. Things are getting to that point.

My lost days

Four more lost days. Gotta love comorbidity.

I've realized today that what's been going on with me this week isn't so much anxiety anymore-- at least, not since Tuesday night. It's depression.

Jon Stewart (mon ami-- all names in here have been changed to protect the innocent :) is looking better and better. He is so fucking hot. Or his hair is. I was enjoying the quickness of our conversation so much last night at dinner that all I wanted to do was reach over and touch the top of his hair, feel that softness, grab it and pull.... I know it is coming out more and more because I miss the XO, but there's a basic animal attraction there to Jon that's been there from the first time he talked to me (on my side I mean, I can't speak for him). In other words, I've always thought the bastard was fucking hot. I mean, incredibly hot, once I found out that face and bod go with a heart and BRAIN you could use to light up all of Manhattan!

Sigh. Jon's gf is a very lucky woman.

And I know I am not really confused. Because if I had to live with Jon, I'd unintentionally drive him nuts just like he'd unintentionally hurt my feelings or drive me nuts. We're great friends, we'd be insane lovers, but...... no. And even if I thought it would work, -- okay, this is what is so fucking goddamn crazy it makes me think I've lost my mind.

Even with how much the XO is away, how hot Jon is, how little the XO communicates, how long he's been away, how frustrated and pissed and worried I get, even though I have times where I want to let another guy kiss me just because I feel like I am getting too little, I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT TO HIM AND I MISS HIM! Even... I forgot he had given me his undershirt before he left this time, and I found it in the drawer. The smell is mostly gone but just what's left of it smells enough like him to remind me he's a warm, hot-blooded (if uncommunicative), crazy attractive man, with a brain, who actually uses his brain, who likes to learn, whose hand I love to hold, who does cuddle, whose shoulder I could die of happiness when I fall asleep on and I know he loves me.............

it is so easy to forget when someone is away, if they do not write enough, if they do not give enough of themselves back to you, or if they are too busy. it is so easy. i miss him and i want him home. it's getting to that point where i physically NEED him, i dont mean just sex. i mean his smell, the way how he holds me makes me feel safe, the muscles in his arms, the way he smells and how that makes me feel safe and loved and just... right, somehow. i've never felt that before with someone like him. i can't describe it but i need it. i need his eyes, his arms, his long strong body that he's so offhand abt when walking around the bedroom naked, yet blushes when i refer to it in text messages.

i fucking love this guy. and he hasn't been giving me enough. yes, he did hear the call last night and write me back one smart thing. but the past two weeks have not been enough. i do not mind being patient. but i need some reassurance that my patience is appreciated, welcome, and wanted. i need that as much as i need him to hold me so that i can feel how much he missed me and my body too.

it's been hard. i have to decide exactly what to say to him before he gets back. all i want to do is fun stuff with him-- swimming in a rocky hole in the ocean, day long bike rides, apple picking. but in my heart, in my heart, in my heart........ can i go through this for him, til his next assignment? yes, but to do so, i need him to help me more. it hasnt been healthy for me.

it makes me cry to say that. it isnt his fault. i love him. i want him home.

"What are you going to do?"

That's the voice inside my head right now. Asking, asking, asking over and over. What are you going to do? How do we handle this? The XO and I just had our 3 month anniversary. He is still away at sea til next weekend. But the last two months have not been easy for me. And the reason why is really not the long distance thing. It is a bunch of other things. Right now, I am hoping and praying that those things are fixable-- well, I know they are. I just mean I am hoping and praying he is both (a) ready to meet me halfway, ready to be in a relationship or at least start one, since we are in one already and he jumped in with both feet the first month he met me, and (b) that he WANTS to meet me halfway because he still loves me.

This is so hard to write. The last 2 or 3 weeks, I've been learning a lot of important things about myself, my anxiety, and how I handle work and friendships and relationships. It hasn't been easy. I write that and it looks so mundane. But by it hasn't been easy, I mean I feel torn in a bunch of different directions at once, and it hurts so bad. Especially this. Especially you, my love, because if I had one wish now in the whole world, it would be to get the chance to get to know you better, and vice versa, so that we could experience what it's like to really be in a relationship together, and then decide how we feel. Since I met my baby, I had a week with him; then he went away 2 weeks; then he was back 10 days; then he was at sea again 3 weeks; back for 7 days, during which I saw him twice; and now he has been away for 2 weeks and will supposedly be back around the 22nd, meaning I am not likely to see him until next weekend. BUT this time, he is supposed to be in town for 6 weeks, not just 10 freakin days.

This is so hard for me to write that I've been avoiding it for days. I can't do it.

OK. Deep breath. But I have to. I need to. I've been stuck in the pain of this for 2 months now, afraid to say anything, afraid to scare him away, being patient because nothing means more to me than getting a chance to see what he's like when he's actually around long enough for us to spend regular time together.

I have good days and bad days

Today was a bad day. Yesterday was a very good one, not bc of outside events, just bc of me being me and how I felt. I guess that is progress. My new therapist can't see me til the 22nd. Oh Jesus. That's the day the XO is getting back. But he won't want to hang out til Saturday, so that's okay.

I cannot describe my feelings. I can't. I'm so alone. I feel so much love and so much torture and so much pain. I know this sounds wacked and melodramatic. But I feel it. I feel as though I have been shown the door through to a wonderful new world, and the man holding that door open for me-- mon ami, the one with the sexy feet-- doesn't understand how much I need his reassurance that I can make it through that door. I can't fault him for having a life or wanting to do things other than mentor me. But I need support and encouragement, and somehow, he's the only person in my life I can get that from about these particular things. I feel like he really understands, went through most of them himself, and used his brain to get himself out of the bell jar. i love him for goving me hope. i love him for believing in me. i love him because i just plain find him loveable and adorable.

but my man, the one who, looking down at me from the top of the stairs when he came home last time, his face intelligent and calm and capable, and who approached me slowly, and who had shaven and looked so handsome, and whose shirt made his body look amazing, and who waited to touch me lightly on the stomach like he'd wait to approach an uncertain animal he could scare off, and then held me tight for ten minutes and said "I know. Me too" when I said "I don't like it when you go away," when after ten minutes, ten minutes after the emotional punch in the gut of seeing him I could finally speak, even if only into his shoulder-- that man, that man is the one I want to spend my life with. I can't imagine waking up next to him every day, or going to bed with him every night. I know he needs time alone. So do I, if not quite as much. But I see him, and I just know. I can't explain it. I see something in him that I admire and that speaks to me and takes my breath away and feels right all at the same time.

I love you, sweetheart.

OK. The pie dish.

I exorcised that demon yesterday or the day before, finally. It had been a couple of weeks since I baked a deep dish blackberry-raspberry pie for the XO. That turned out to be a bad day to bake a pie. Not because of how he felt about me, but it hurt me anyway.

I don't think I am ready to talk about this yet, and it ended up not mattering for now anyway. I just want to log a victory here. I cleaned it up. I faced the thing I had kept hidden for two weeks because it scared me and caused me so much pain.

It hurts

Okay, no email from the XO this morning. This is where I usually start thinking to myself "Omg" and "Pigfucker" (alternately). I'd try to do something diff today, but I don't feel like it.

One of my best girlfriends has been irritated with me since this past Saturday. We've talked once since then. I'm lonely. Normally we talk every day. I miss her but I've been trying not to be pushy.

Mon ami, one of my best guy friends, upset me last night through no fault of his own. It's just part of our relationship dynamic. It's inevitable. There's a lot of fire between us. Sometimes I get hurt. Sometimes he gets frustrated. But Idk what to do abt it, and bc of both of these things, I'm feeling pretty alone. OK very alone.

And then the lack of email doesn't help.

I had plans to spend all day Monday kayaking a non-tidal river with another close friend. Now, bc of the stupid gay fucking hurricane, that river will more likely than not be at or near flood stage by Monday and therefore unsafe to kayak.

I don't mean to be negative. I just feel kicked in the stomach today. Mr. XO, you're breaking my heart, please talk to me. I could use a friend today.

The only positive thing abt any of this is that with the upped meds, I can feel all of this and still want to roar into work like an aggressive bull. OK maybe all bulls are aggressive. You get the idea.

But all in all.......... I miss my boyfriend :-( I need a good cry. My fucking cramps still hurt. Today is Day 3. Wtf, mother nature? Fuck you!

Bad thoughts

Haven't popped my meds yet today. Got a really nice email from the XO this morning, but again, like yesterday, he signed it "Love, _______ [his real name]". Last trip he signed most emails "I love you, Love, ______ ." SO I am worrying. A little sort of a lot. I dunno. We said I love you last weekend a bunch of times. I think if he changed his mind he would tell me and he def seems to like me. I think this is anxiety talking but I still need to hear it sometimes. I'm reasonably sure he'll write it to me at some point this trip or else say it when he gets back tho :)

I wish I could ask mon ami. He'd know. But I think I know what he'd say already, so I don't wanna bother him.

The Undershirt and the Haunted Pie Dish: Part 1

So I had an email from the XO this morning when I woke up :) He said thank you for the texts I sent him, and he told me the seas are OK so far, but that they expect to run into bad weather from Hurricane Earl sometime during the next few days. Idk exactly where the XO is, they don't get told til they actually leave. Just that he's somewhere off the East Coast this time. Other times he's been off the coast of Cuba, South America, or Haiti. It just depends on what their mission is.

Mostly, because he's the XO and he has a very logical mind, the email was about telling me to go home to my parents if the hurricane comes close. And he admonished me "And NO swimming", with a smiley face, which coming from the XO is an expression of love. I am learning more about how we differ in communication styles, and getting more comfortable with it. I thought what he said was sweet and funny. We have a lot of things in common, but he finds it difficult sometimes to write an email that's more personal ;) I think that is just how he is sometimes, esp. when at work. His emails aren't always businesslike, but abt half the time they are. I find this reassuring. It used to frighten me. But now I see it as an expression of his emotional stability, which is one of the big things that I love about him.

I wrote back something cute, and funny, and longer than his, but just me being me. And I told him that I love him.

When I miss him, I go to my dresser drawer, open it, and take out the undershirt he left me. It smells like him. As a foodie and a former pastry chef, I've often been made fun of by family and friends for smelling my food before eating it. I take so much pleasure in the smell of something I like that it's crazy. I can't describe it. It's one of the reasons I know we as human beings are meant to enjoy life on this earth and not just wait drearily for an afterlife. If there is a God, he or she would never have given us a sense of taste or smell if he or she intended earthly existence to be meaningless. I mean srsly, even picking up a moist vanilla bean pod or standing by the ocean at high tide-- or even low tide, as pungent as it is-- to me is proof that whether science or a hidden hand created the world, there are little pockets of joy to be sniffed out everywhere! I love that about life.

Most of the shirt just smells like my cutie. Lke the XO. But part of it smells like Old Spice, which I love, because it's what my brothers wore growing up, so to me it early defined my sense of what a guy, and then later on a man, should smell like. Before he left, I told the XO part of his shirt smelled like Old Spice, and I loved it. He surprised me by saying, "Probably the armpits." I laughed. It's true. He uses Old Spice deodorant. So yeah. I stand there for just a sec with my eyes closed (I just realized that I always smell yummy things with my eyes closed, and I usually sigh afterward, but it's a happy sigh), smell the body of the shirt to smell just him, then smell the armpit to smell something stronger that reminds me of him clean-shaven, wearing a nice shirt, looking handsome, waiting to take me out on a date and tell me that I look nice.

For some reason that shirt really helps me :)

The haunted pie dish is another story. But tonight, I was happy, and in the mood to tell you about the undershirt first. :) For me, even the little victories are big. If you know what I mean.

And to be honest with myself, I have to add that the increase in my meds, which has helped me so much over the past few days, has the unfortunate side effect of making me sleepy and dizzy, and this is interfering with me getting to work. So tomorrow I am going to cut a pill in half and make it in. I need to be honest with myself on here. You have no idea how hard this is. I edited this post 5 times before I forced myself to add this paragraph. But I am trying trying trying to make a real commitment to change. And that can only happen if I stop fudging the truth about how I handle my life. I feel scared.

the coastie blues

so, the XO left this morning for 3 weeks to patrol fisheries and board fishing boats. they do this stuff to make sure fishermen abide by quotas and stuff.

he called last nite to say gbye and we were both too tired to talk much, but we had a very nice saturday and sunday morning together.

it is easier this time bc im getting used to it but also hard still. i sent him a cute vid this morning, altho from past exp i think vids from my LG dont work on his iphone. never got a response. sent him a pic of a sand dollar he found for me the first time we went to the beach and went swimming tgthr. i remember that day. we were so new we hadnt even done more than hug yet. the current was very fast going east around the peninsula. i told him how a college friend of mine used to grab my hands and spin me around really fast bc i was so small and he was strong, wiry (a mountain climber). the XO smiled and took my hands. i said, "Don't let go," and i let go myself-- i stopped fighting and let the current yank my feet out from under me. My body flew out horizontal, parallel with the surface of the water. the XO was thinking i looked beautiful or sexy, i could tell. i twisted around to look behind me and feel the pull of the current. i felt the quiet calm strength in his wrists and arms. he just stood there enjoying me enjoying the moment. i was having fun. i felt like i was on a roller coaster and i love roller coasters. the thrill was the same. that was the day he found me my sand dollar.

i also sent him a song today thru iTunes. i know, enuf's enuf. im not writing him any emails, im waiting to hear from him. the first day they get underway (go out to sea) is always crazy busy. the song was "Don't Let the Stars Get in Your Eyes," covered by Jimmie Dale Gilmore. usually i hate country music, but i like the old timey stuff. just like i like old motown. both have soul. and the kinds of soul they have arent so different. bc both came out of poor cultures where religion was 50% of what kept ppl going but the other 50% was family.

i miss the XO. i love him and i want to tell him so. but ive learned not to say too much. he has the video, pic of the sand dollar in my palm, and the song about love and loneliness sung by a man with the voice of an angel. i cant do any more. hes diff from me and i dont mind that.

before he left, i mean before our late nite tired conversation, his last texts were, "you're so sweet. and sexy too :) " and yet im longing for some affirmation of his love or affection or his missing me. he told me he'd miss me. it's been less than one day. i know hes busy.

this is anxiety. it feels like im a ragdoll in a dog's mouth. a really big dog that weighs more than me. when he shakes me in his teeth he shakes up my self confidence, my natural hyper bounciness that is one of the things the XO loves about me (and that i love abt me too).

my actual diagnosis is anxiety, panic disorder, and major recurrent depression. there's a high degree of comorbidity for ppl w anxiety. i know this from having spent the last 3 years working on college level psychology textbooks at work. you proof the same thing enough times, eventually you absorb it thru osmosis.

idk how much of this shit is anxiety and how much is depression but if you want my gut's answer 90% of it is anxiety. ive never been with someone like the XO before. being with him is stretching me in a lot of ways, helping me to grow. i want to get to know him better. i want to have a family with him and name our first daughter Giuliana (Genevieve's my second choice ;). hey, im allowed to be insane in my own blog. this blog is abt me establishing a place where it's ok for me to be 100% truthful with myself, w no worries abt repurcussions. so.... the truth is, i will prolly cry a little bit tonight thinking abt the XO and wishing he'd send me a "good nite, i love you" msg.im guessing he wont have time til tmrw. but i need to talk to him abt it when he gets back i spose. idk. i dont need a lot. im trying to be patient bc there are reasons to be patient with him for a little while.

idk if i miss him yet or if i just need to hear him say "i love you" from afar. i know he loves me. and he even slept in a t shirt 2 nites in a row just for me even tho he usually sleeps in just boxers :) because when i miss him, i miss the smell of him when hes holding me. it's a mixture of guy and old spice and just XO. it makes me feel safe and it makes me smile. he looks good naked but always gets all embarrassed if i say so. so i try to say that in ways that make him smile and feel loved not shy :)

and mon ami, you know who you are. you are the sweet thing. not breakfast. ahahahaha. :) im allowed to tease you a little bit. it's helping me laugh.

Things That Make the Real (non-anxiety) Me Happy

Sitting on Bearskin Neck in Rockport, @ the end of Cape Ann and the end of the continent, near a lighted patio listening to a string quartet playing on the rocks, with the music of the ocean on all 3 sides of me

Jack Donaghy

Kayaking with friends

Walking by the ocean in any month of the year in any weather, especially right after a big storm when the surf is crazy

My cats, my bird, and other ppls' dogs, esp. the XO's (the XO is my boyfriend :)

The XO's sense of humor, when he lets it out

Secrets

I'm barely 5'2", and I seem to weigh 104 lbs whether I have nachos for dinner or eat healthy. So, although I would say I have some nice curves, essentially I'm petite. When I started on meds for anxiety, it took us 3 tries before we found the one that worked for me. The first one made me feel giddy and high for exactly half an hour and then did nothing to alleviate my symptoms. The second took away my symptoms, but it took away all emotion and capacity for joy as well. I literally felt numb, robotic, and dead inside. The third one just works. It just feels like me, only minus the physical symptoms-- the sweating, shaking, racing heartbeat, trembling, dizziness-- and many of the emotional ones, such as the irrational fear I had about entering a room full of people even though I am naturally warm, chatty (to a fault, according to friends :) and enjoy being with people.

The reason why I mention being petite is because I think it may have had something to do with my being started on the minimum possible dose of medication. That worked fine for me for a few months, but then, when I began to experience a high level of stress at work, and at the same time started a significant relationship that put new demands on me, I found the lowest dose wasn't enough. So last week when I saw my psychiatric nurse, she agreed to double the dose for awhile.

It's been helping. It took about two days, but now I feel more ready to move forward and try to handle some of the practical aspects of the challenges I've been faced with lately.

This is a good thing, because before my nurse-- I'm going to call her Joyce-- upped my meds, I spent last Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday in my bedroom, missing work, watching movies through iTunes to avoid dealing with reality-- my fears about losing my job, my fears about my relationship. I was paralyzed emotionally and just wanted to hide. I was taking Benadryls to put myself to sleep because when I was asleep I didn't have to think or feel anything. Then a couple of times a day, when my mind would break through the bullshit and tell me "Hey, get up, go to work, there's a problem here," I'd have a panic attack. No hyperventilating exactly bc of the meds, but I'd just roll over onto my stomach, hug two stuffed animals-- a cute puppy from my boyfriend, and my stuffed penguin that I've had forever-- and just sort of shudder til I could make myself fall asleep again. I had nightmares about being raped, which I'd never had before. I had all kinds of weird dreams. Mostly I'd wake up shaking and terrified, and it took me a couple minutes to calm down before I could get out of bed. Once I woke up with blood on my face from a scratch, and the pillow was on the floor. That's the only time I'd ever had that happen in my life. What I'm trying to convey is, last week was not a typical week, even for me. It was very difficult.

I am so incredibly thankful to be feeling better now and to have some new ideas about how to move forward, not just about meds, that I feel lucky. I don't know how to describe it. Every step I take on this road to managing these issues better is of value. Incredible value. I want to have a life and a family. I want to be happy.

Joyce told me last night that recovery is very serious. I used to take it mostly or sort of seriously. Like, yes, I have problems, but they are not life or death. The most difficult issues, with the exception of about two or three sessions, I hid from my therapist, Julianne. I did this without consciously realizing it. It's what I've done since I was about nine years old. It's a survival technique. Certain things-- it's like turning over fresh earth to plant a garden. When you rip a hole in the grass and look at what's underneath, it's not all pretty. And ripping a BandAid off a really old wound in yourself is terrifying. The amount of pain and unsettling emotions has a ripple effect throughout your life. That scared me. I know that's the idea. But as I say, old habits die hard, especially when we don't pursue them consciously. It's obvious to me now that my defense mechanism has been shooting me in the foot for decades. However, it's been all I had. And I didn't ever think about it. I just stuck with it.

I put a sign on my bedroom door. It covers an old one that, for me, did not end up working. It is much simpler than that affirmation was, and much more direct. It says: KEEP. MOVING. FORWARD. Sometimes the most superficial things, like getting dressed, putting on makeup, and going to work even if you aren't there exactly when you are supposed to be or you need to change your hours, is the most important thing in the world. One of my biggest secrets from Julianne was that I have no desire to really take care of myself. I love taking care of others. It makes me happy. But me, no-- I don't know how, and I do not want to. Lately, though, I've been thinking. I feel more like a shark than somebody hiding in bed all day. Like I've got to keep moving to stay healthy. I hate sharks, but I feel like I get them a little more now than I used to. Am I anthropomorphizing? Prolly, but I don't give a fuck. It's helping me right now. It helps me to picture that shark. It reminds me to keep going with this new thing.

Getting in the habit of consistently caring for myself, no matter how imperfectly, is my real job. To anyone reading this, that probably sounds simple. To me it's going to be the one of hardest things I've ever had to learn.