I can't go out on the balcony to look at the stars, because you love the stars, you navigate by them, you have a constellation app in your iPhone that you scrolled through on every date to show me which ones had me dazzled that night. So on my balcony seeing two stars tonight I cried. Saturday I saw the same one, very bright, and asked you. You said, "It's Venus." I laughed and teased you and said no, Venus was right here beside you. You said No, that's Aphrodite. I laughed again.

I can't go walk on the beach where I used to watch for your ship in the far distance on its way up to Portsmouth, where you used to text me as I walked, where you told me you had a surprise for me when I was sad, and the surprise was that you were coming home the next day.

I can't swim in the water where you held me, arms straight out, letting me ride on the current but keeping me safe, where you were almost pathetically eager to find me a sand dollar because I mentioned once how I wanted one and had never found one on my own.

The night I heard from you finally, I didn't want to, but I picked up that sand dollar from the tiny blue Chinese dish I kept it in, someplace beautiful to keep something precious, and crushed it in my fingers til all I felt was the sand sliding down my skin into the sink. It was gone. I'll never get it back. I'll never get you back.

I should never have asked to see you in your work clothes. You looked so handsome, such a natural leader, radiating authority and intelligence and confidence from those blue eyes lighter than the blue of your officer's uniform. It stopped my heart. You smiled and said you were distracting me from getting changed myself, and turned and went back to the living room so that I could put on what I had brought for you to see me in. But you in that moment were so beautiful and no longer mine that afterwards, I couldn't stand it. I gently kicked the blue pants under the bed. I softly pushed the blue button down flame retardant blouse over the other side of the mattress. One arm stayed on the bed, the rest hanging. I stretched-- the bed is wide-- and shoved it once, twice. Finally it went over the edge. I couldn't look at it and think of you so handsome in it and know that you no longer looked at me the way you did the day you were desperate to find the sand dollar, the way you looked at me the day I was feeling unsure about you and you looked so upset I came wading back to you through the surf and put my arms around your chest and squeezed you tight. I just wanted to see you smile again.

I don't know what love is if this is not love.

Still havent heard from my "boyfriend".

Is this really happening?

How can someone whose last act before leaving was to tell me he loves me and would email me knowingly cause me so much pain, when I've specifically asked him to END MY PAIN by just fucking telling me the truth? Would a bad answer hurt? Yeah, but I fucking asked for it so if it is bad I can start to move on. YOU ARE TORTURING ME! Selfish. So selfish.

Fucking man up, E. I believed in you. I believed in your integrity. I never ever would have thought you'd leave me twisting in the wind this way.

Don't laugh.... well, laugh, I did ;)

Couldn't control myself and felt I had expressed myself badly yesterday. Promise no more emails, but felt I had to translate my GIRL email from yesterday into GUY for my military man. Here it is:


Hi E_____,

If my previous email was too wordy or girly (as in emotionally confusing to a guy :) , let me ask my questions more plainly. I know you are an honest person, and I am looking for honest answers:

1. I want to know if you are still interested in getting to know me better, and in dating me exclusively?

2. I also want to know if you still love me, or feel like you said that too soon?

3. If you feel you said it too soon, but are still interested in getting to know me better and finding out whether this could lead to something serious, I would like to keep seeing you, because I have real feelings for you and I enjoy the time we spend together; are you amenable to this?

4. But if you don't love me AND you are not interested in getting to know me better with any possibility of something serious down the road, I would not be OK with that, so would you please just tell me?

Thank you :) And I'm sorry, I know you hate talking about emotions, but I really think we need some clarity between us here. And if you ever needed to ask me anything, I would gladly answer in kind.


P.S. If I'm over reacting and your emails were just you being you...... please accept my apologies ;-) and I owe you a beer. LOL! Please forgive me and understand, I am asking these questions because, what with your being away, I haven't had enough time to get to know you well enough to "read between the lines." I am not usually so confused or uncertain about what my partner is thinking. It's a combination of the long distance happening so early in us getting to know each other.

What I sent ystrdy morning. Havent heard back yet. V. upset

"E.______,

I've been really busy lately with photography and friends, and I'm guessing you have been extraordinarily busy because I haven't heard from you too much. I know you're busier at sea anyway; that's the nature of the job, to my understanding :) So, my apologies if I've been emailing too much-- I always figured you would tell me (teasingly, but directly ;) if you were having a busier mission than usual or if I did anything wrong.

But it's almost time for you guys to come home, right? And... I miss you. I want to hang out with you and get to know you better when you get back. I feel like you've been away most of the time we've known each other-- so far.

What I'm saying is, I love you. And I need to know if you love me and miss me too. If you do, that's great, I am really really happy :) Because I do have real feelings for you. And we can take it slow. IF you are really interested in getting to know me better.

But if you're not interested, and you haven't been telling me, and I am supposed to read between the lines (you haven't said you missed me or love me lately), you need to tell me. It isn't fair to me, or right. Before you left, you said we were boyfriend and girlfriend. That's all I have to go on.

I love you. I hope this is just me misreading how busy you are, and that you communicate less chattily than I do ;) If so, that doesn't bother me. I just need to know I'm doing the right thing by staying in touch. :-) The reason why I am asking is just because it's been almost 3 weeks and you haven't once said "I love you" or "I miss you", and I''m used to hearing those things from you sometimes. I don't need you to respond to every email. I just need to be reminded sometimes that you care for me. If emailing me IS your way of doing that, then tell me, so I can understand you better, because that would make me happy :) I just feel like I have no information to go on, and I'm trying to figure you out.

Hoping to hear something happy back from you,
(and sorry for doing this over email-- I tried to wait, but have been feeling more and more like I need to be honest with you)
love,
me."

Like pulling teeth

Replied to the XO's nice email on the 15th with a couple of things, he hasn't written since. Fuck him. I know they are busy working day and night but really? Seriously he does not have time before he lies down to go to bed to email me one line, like I love you or I miss you or I'm wiped out, ttys?

This is the shit I am talking abt. It makes me feel sick inside. To me, it feels like he has the time (I believe that they all work much longer hours at sea, that's just the nature of the job; I just mean anyone has time every 2 days or so to send a one line email as they are getting dressed for work or going to bed at night) but not the inclination.

How the fuck do you think that makes me feel? Cherished? Valued? Cared about? Loved? Hell, even NOTICED?

I feel, if anything, fucking ignored and shoved aside.

Fuck him. Things are getting to that point.

My lost days

Four more lost days. Gotta love comorbidity.

I've realized today that what's been going on with me this week isn't so much anxiety anymore-- at least, not since Tuesday night. It's depression.

Jon Stewart (mon ami-- all names in here have been changed to protect the innocent :) is looking better and better. He is so fucking hot. Or his hair is. I was enjoying the quickness of our conversation so much last night at dinner that all I wanted to do was reach over and touch the top of his hair, feel that softness, grab it and pull.... I know it is coming out more and more because I miss the XO, but there's a basic animal attraction there to Jon that's been there from the first time he talked to me (on my side I mean, I can't speak for him). In other words, I've always thought the bastard was fucking hot. I mean, incredibly hot, once I found out that face and bod go with a heart and BRAIN you could use to light up all of Manhattan!

Sigh. Jon's gf is a very lucky woman.

And I know I am not really confused. Because if I had to live with Jon, I'd unintentionally drive him nuts just like he'd unintentionally hurt my feelings or drive me nuts. We're great friends, we'd be insane lovers, but...... no. And even if I thought it would work, -- okay, this is what is so fucking goddamn crazy it makes me think I've lost my mind.

Even with how much the XO is away, how hot Jon is, how little the XO communicates, how long he's been away, how frustrated and pissed and worried I get, even though I have times where I want to let another guy kiss me just because I feel like I am getting too little, I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT TO HIM AND I MISS HIM! Even... I forgot he had given me his undershirt before he left this time, and I found it in the drawer. The smell is mostly gone but just what's left of it smells enough like him to remind me he's a warm, hot-blooded (if uncommunicative), crazy attractive man, with a brain, who actually uses his brain, who likes to learn, whose hand I love to hold, who does cuddle, whose shoulder I could die of happiness when I fall asleep on and I know he loves me.............

it is so easy to forget when someone is away, if they do not write enough, if they do not give enough of themselves back to you, or if they are too busy. it is so easy. i miss him and i want him home. it's getting to that point where i physically NEED him, i dont mean just sex. i mean his smell, the way how he holds me makes me feel safe, the muscles in his arms, the way he smells and how that makes me feel safe and loved and just... right, somehow. i've never felt that before with someone like him. i can't describe it but i need it. i need his eyes, his arms, his long strong body that he's so offhand abt when walking around the bedroom naked, yet blushes when i refer to it in text messages.

i fucking love this guy. and he hasn't been giving me enough. yes, he did hear the call last night and write me back one smart thing. but the past two weeks have not been enough. i do not mind being patient. but i need some reassurance that my patience is appreciated, welcome, and wanted. i need that as much as i need him to hold me so that i can feel how much he missed me and my body too.

it's been hard. i have to decide exactly what to say to him before he gets back. all i want to do is fun stuff with him-- swimming in a rocky hole in the ocean, day long bike rides, apple picking. but in my heart, in my heart, in my heart........ can i go through this for him, til his next assignment? yes, but to do so, i need him to help me more. it hasnt been healthy for me.

it makes me cry to say that. it isnt his fault. i love him. i want him home.

"What are you going to do?"

That's the voice inside my head right now. Asking, asking, asking over and over. What are you going to do? How do we handle this? The XO and I just had our 3 month anniversary. He is still away at sea til next weekend. But the last two months have not been easy for me. And the reason why is really not the long distance thing. It is a bunch of other things. Right now, I am hoping and praying that those things are fixable-- well, I know they are. I just mean I am hoping and praying he is both (a) ready to meet me halfway, ready to be in a relationship or at least start one, since we are in one already and he jumped in with both feet the first month he met me, and (b) that he WANTS to meet me halfway because he still loves me.

This is so hard to write. The last 2 or 3 weeks, I've been learning a lot of important things about myself, my anxiety, and how I handle work and friendships and relationships. It hasn't been easy. I write that and it looks so mundane. But by it hasn't been easy, I mean I feel torn in a bunch of different directions at once, and it hurts so bad. Especially this. Especially you, my love, because if I had one wish now in the whole world, it would be to get the chance to get to know you better, and vice versa, so that we could experience what it's like to really be in a relationship together, and then decide how we feel. Since I met my baby, I had a week with him; then he went away 2 weeks; then he was back 10 days; then he was at sea again 3 weeks; back for 7 days, during which I saw him twice; and now he has been away for 2 weeks and will supposedly be back around the 22nd, meaning I am not likely to see him until next weekend. BUT this time, he is supposed to be in town for 6 weeks, not just 10 freakin days.

This is so hard for me to write that I've been avoiding it for days. I can't do it.

OK. Deep breath. But I have to. I need to. I've been stuck in the pain of this for 2 months now, afraid to say anything, afraid to scare him away, being patient because nothing means more to me than getting a chance to see what he's like when he's actually around long enough for us to spend regular time together.

I have good days and bad days

Today was a bad day. Yesterday was a very good one, not bc of outside events, just bc of me being me and how I felt. I guess that is progress. My new therapist can't see me til the 22nd. Oh Jesus. That's the day the XO is getting back. But he won't want to hang out til Saturday, so that's okay.

I cannot describe my feelings. I can't. I'm so alone. I feel so much love and so much torture and so much pain. I know this sounds wacked and melodramatic. But I feel it. I feel as though I have been shown the door through to a wonderful new world, and the man holding that door open for me-- mon ami, the one with the sexy feet-- doesn't understand how much I need his reassurance that I can make it through that door. I can't fault him for having a life or wanting to do things other than mentor me. But I need support and encouragement, and somehow, he's the only person in my life I can get that from about these particular things. I feel like he really understands, went through most of them himself, and used his brain to get himself out of the bell jar. i love him for goving me hope. i love him for believing in me. i love him because i just plain find him loveable and adorable.

but my man, the one who, looking down at me from the top of the stairs when he came home last time, his face intelligent and calm and capable, and who approached me slowly, and who had shaven and looked so handsome, and whose shirt made his body look amazing, and who waited to touch me lightly on the stomach like he'd wait to approach an uncertain animal he could scare off, and then held me tight for ten minutes and said "I know. Me too" when I said "I don't like it when you go away," when after ten minutes, ten minutes after the emotional punch in the gut of seeing him I could finally speak, even if only into his shoulder-- that man, that man is the one I want to spend my life with. I can't imagine waking up next to him every day, or going to bed with him every night. I know he needs time alone. So do I, if not quite as much. But I see him, and I just know. I can't explain it. I see something in him that I admire and that speaks to me and takes my breath away and feels right all at the same time.

I love you, sweetheart.

OK. The pie dish.

I exorcised that demon yesterday or the day before, finally. It had been a couple of weeks since I baked a deep dish blackberry-raspberry pie for the XO. That turned out to be a bad day to bake a pie. Not because of how he felt about me, but it hurt me anyway.

I don't think I am ready to talk about this yet, and it ended up not mattering for now anyway. I just want to log a victory here. I cleaned it up. I faced the thing I had kept hidden for two weeks because it scared me and caused me so much pain.

It hurts

Okay, no email from the XO this morning. This is where I usually start thinking to myself "Omg" and "Pigfucker" (alternately). I'd try to do something diff today, but I don't feel like it.

One of my best girlfriends has been irritated with me since this past Saturday. We've talked once since then. I'm lonely. Normally we talk every day. I miss her but I've been trying not to be pushy.

Mon ami, one of my best guy friends, upset me last night through no fault of his own. It's just part of our relationship dynamic. It's inevitable. There's a lot of fire between us. Sometimes I get hurt. Sometimes he gets frustrated. But Idk what to do abt it, and bc of both of these things, I'm feeling pretty alone. OK very alone.

And then the lack of email doesn't help.

I had plans to spend all day Monday kayaking a non-tidal river with another close friend. Now, bc of the stupid gay fucking hurricane, that river will more likely than not be at or near flood stage by Monday and therefore unsafe to kayak.

I don't mean to be negative. I just feel kicked in the stomach today. Mr. XO, you're breaking my heart, please talk to me. I could use a friend today.

The only positive thing abt any of this is that with the upped meds, I can feel all of this and still want to roar into work like an aggressive bull. OK maybe all bulls are aggressive. You get the idea.

But all in all.......... I miss my boyfriend :-( I need a good cry. My fucking cramps still hurt. Today is Day 3. Wtf, mother nature? Fuck you!

Bad thoughts

Haven't popped my meds yet today. Got a really nice email from the XO this morning, but again, like yesterday, he signed it "Love, _______ [his real name]". Last trip he signed most emails "I love you, Love, ______ ." SO I am worrying. A little sort of a lot. I dunno. We said I love you last weekend a bunch of times. I think if he changed his mind he would tell me and he def seems to like me. I think this is anxiety talking but I still need to hear it sometimes. I'm reasonably sure he'll write it to me at some point this trip or else say it when he gets back tho :)

I wish I could ask mon ami. He'd know. But I think I know what he'd say already, so I don't wanna bother him.

The Undershirt and the Haunted Pie Dish: Part 1

So I had an email from the XO this morning when I woke up :) He said thank you for the texts I sent him, and he told me the seas are OK so far, but that they expect to run into bad weather from Hurricane Earl sometime during the next few days. Idk exactly where the XO is, they don't get told til they actually leave. Just that he's somewhere off the East Coast this time. Other times he's been off the coast of Cuba, South America, or Haiti. It just depends on what their mission is.

Mostly, because he's the XO and he has a very logical mind, the email was about telling me to go home to my parents if the hurricane comes close. And he admonished me "And NO swimming", with a smiley face, which coming from the XO is an expression of love. I am learning more about how we differ in communication styles, and getting more comfortable with it. I thought what he said was sweet and funny. We have a lot of things in common, but he finds it difficult sometimes to write an email that's more personal ;) I think that is just how he is sometimes, esp. when at work. His emails aren't always businesslike, but abt half the time they are. I find this reassuring. It used to frighten me. But now I see it as an expression of his emotional stability, which is one of the big things that I love about him.

I wrote back something cute, and funny, and longer than his, but just me being me. And I told him that I love him.

When I miss him, I go to my dresser drawer, open it, and take out the undershirt he left me. It smells like him. As a foodie and a former pastry chef, I've often been made fun of by family and friends for smelling my food before eating it. I take so much pleasure in the smell of something I like that it's crazy. I can't describe it. It's one of the reasons I know we as human beings are meant to enjoy life on this earth and not just wait drearily for an afterlife. If there is a God, he or she would never have given us a sense of taste or smell if he or she intended earthly existence to be meaningless. I mean srsly, even picking up a moist vanilla bean pod or standing by the ocean at high tide-- or even low tide, as pungent as it is-- to me is proof that whether science or a hidden hand created the world, there are little pockets of joy to be sniffed out everywhere! I love that about life.

Most of the shirt just smells like my cutie. Lke the XO. But part of it smells like Old Spice, which I love, because it's what my brothers wore growing up, so to me it early defined my sense of what a guy, and then later on a man, should smell like. Before he left, I told the XO part of his shirt smelled like Old Spice, and I loved it. He surprised me by saying, "Probably the armpits." I laughed. It's true. He uses Old Spice deodorant. So yeah. I stand there for just a sec with my eyes closed (I just realized that I always smell yummy things with my eyes closed, and I usually sigh afterward, but it's a happy sigh), smell the body of the shirt to smell just him, then smell the armpit to smell something stronger that reminds me of him clean-shaven, wearing a nice shirt, looking handsome, waiting to take me out on a date and tell me that I look nice.

For some reason that shirt really helps me :)

The haunted pie dish is another story. But tonight, I was happy, and in the mood to tell you about the undershirt first. :) For me, even the little victories are big. If you know what I mean.

And to be honest with myself, I have to add that the increase in my meds, which has helped me so much over the past few days, has the unfortunate side effect of making me sleepy and dizzy, and this is interfering with me getting to work. So tomorrow I am going to cut a pill in half and make it in. I need to be honest with myself on here. You have no idea how hard this is. I edited this post 5 times before I forced myself to add this paragraph. But I am trying trying trying to make a real commitment to change. And that can only happen if I stop fudging the truth about how I handle my life. I feel scared.