"What are you going to do?"

That's the voice inside my head right now. Asking, asking, asking over and over. What are you going to do? How do we handle this? The XO and I just had our 3 month anniversary. He is still away at sea til next weekend. But the last two months have not been easy for me. And the reason why is really not the long distance thing. It is a bunch of other things. Right now, I am hoping and praying that those things are fixable-- well, I know they are. I just mean I am hoping and praying he is both (a) ready to meet me halfway, ready to be in a relationship or at least start one, since we are in one already and he jumped in with both feet the first month he met me, and (b) that he WANTS to meet me halfway because he still loves me.

This is so hard to write. The last 2 or 3 weeks, I've been learning a lot of important things about myself, my anxiety, and how I handle work and friendships and relationships. It hasn't been easy. I write that and it looks so mundane. But by it hasn't been easy, I mean I feel torn in a bunch of different directions at once, and it hurts so bad. Especially this. Especially you, my love, because if I had one wish now in the whole world, it would be to get the chance to get to know you better, and vice versa, so that we could experience what it's like to really be in a relationship together, and then decide how we feel. Since I met my baby, I had a week with him; then he went away 2 weeks; then he was back 10 days; then he was at sea again 3 weeks; back for 7 days, during which I saw him twice; and now he has been away for 2 weeks and will supposedly be back around the 22nd, meaning I am not likely to see him until next weekend. BUT this time, he is supposed to be in town for 6 weeks, not just 10 freakin days.

This is so hard for me to write that I've been avoiding it for days. I can't do it.

OK. Deep breath. But I have to. I need to. I've been stuck in the pain of this for 2 months now, afraid to say anything, afraid to scare him away, being patient because nothing means more to me than getting a chance to see what he's like when he's actually around long enough for us to spend regular time together.