My lost days

Four more lost days. Gotta love comorbidity.

I've realized today that what's been going on with me this week isn't so much anxiety anymore-- at least, not since Tuesday night. It's depression.

Jon Stewart (mon ami-- all names in here have been changed to protect the innocent :) is looking better and better. He is so fucking hot. Or his hair is. I was enjoying the quickness of our conversation so much last night at dinner that all I wanted to do was reach over and touch the top of his hair, feel that softness, grab it and pull.... I know it is coming out more and more because I miss the XO, but there's a basic animal attraction there to Jon that's been there from the first time he talked to me (on my side I mean, I can't speak for him). In other words, I've always thought the bastard was fucking hot. I mean, incredibly hot, once I found out that face and bod go with a heart and BRAIN you could use to light up all of Manhattan!

Sigh. Jon's gf is a very lucky woman.

And I know I am not really confused. Because if I had to live with Jon, I'd unintentionally drive him nuts just like he'd unintentionally hurt my feelings or drive me nuts. We're great friends, we'd be insane lovers, but...... no. And even if I thought it would work, -- okay, this is what is so fucking goddamn crazy it makes me think I've lost my mind.

Even with how much the XO is away, how hot Jon is, how little the XO communicates, how long he's been away, how frustrated and pissed and worried I get, even though I have times where I want to let another guy kiss me just because I feel like I am getting too little, I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT TO HIM AND I MISS HIM! Even... I forgot he had given me his undershirt before he left this time, and I found it in the drawer. The smell is mostly gone but just what's left of it smells enough like him to remind me he's a warm, hot-blooded (if uncommunicative), crazy attractive man, with a brain, who actually uses his brain, who likes to learn, whose hand I love to hold, who does cuddle, whose shoulder I could die of happiness when I fall asleep on and I know he loves me.............

it is so easy to forget when someone is away, if they do not write enough, if they do not give enough of themselves back to you, or if they are too busy. it is so easy. i miss him and i want him home. it's getting to that point where i physically NEED him, i dont mean just sex. i mean his smell, the way how he holds me makes me feel safe, the muscles in his arms, the way he smells and how that makes me feel safe and loved and just... right, somehow. i've never felt that before with someone like him. i can't describe it but i need it. i need his eyes, his arms, his long strong body that he's so offhand abt when walking around the bedroom naked, yet blushes when i refer to it in text messages.

i fucking love this guy. and he hasn't been giving me enough. yes, he did hear the call last night and write me back one smart thing. but the past two weeks have not been enough. i do not mind being patient. but i need some reassurance that my patience is appreciated, welcome, and wanted. i need that as much as i need him to hold me so that i can feel how much he missed me and my body too.

it's been hard. i have to decide exactly what to say to him before he gets back. all i want to do is fun stuff with him-- swimming in a rocky hole in the ocean, day long bike rides, apple picking. but in my heart, in my heart, in my heart........ can i go through this for him, til his next assignment? yes, but to do so, i need him to help me more. it hasnt been healthy for me.

it makes me cry to say that. it isnt his fault. i love him. i want him home.