Today was a bad day. Yesterday was a very good one, not bc of outside events, just bc of me being me and how I felt. I guess that is progress. My new therapist can't see me til the 22nd. Oh Jesus. That's the day the XO is getting back. But he won't want to hang out til Saturday, so that's okay.
I cannot describe my feelings. I can't. I'm so alone. I feel so much love and so much torture and so much pain. I know this sounds wacked and melodramatic. But I feel it. I feel as though I have been shown the door through to a wonderful new world, and the man holding that door open for me-- mon ami, the one with the sexy feet-- doesn't understand how much I need his reassurance that I can make it through that door. I can't fault him for having a life or wanting to do things other than mentor me. But I need support and encouragement, and somehow, he's the only person in my life I can get that from about these particular things. I feel like he really understands, went through most of them himself, and used his brain to get himself out of the bell jar. i love him for goving me hope. i love him for believing in me. i love him because i just plain find him loveable and adorable.
but my man, the one who, looking down at me from the top of the stairs when he came home last time, his face intelligent and calm and capable, and who approached me slowly, and who had shaven and looked so handsome, and whose shirt made his body look amazing, and who waited to touch me lightly on the stomach like he'd wait to approach an uncertain animal he could scare off, and then held me tight for ten minutes and said "I know. Me too" when I said "I don't like it when you go away," when after ten minutes, ten minutes after the emotional punch in the gut of seeing him I could finally speak, even if only into his shoulder-- that man, that man is the one I want to spend my life with. I can't imagine waking up next to him every day, or going to bed with him every night. I know he needs time alone. So do I, if not quite as much. But I see him, and I just know. I can't explain it. I see something in him that I admire and that speaks to me and takes my breath away and feels right all at the same time.
I love you, sweetheart.
Hi Tigerlilly,
ReplyDeleteSo much of what you have written here "speaks" to me. Our life situations are very different but we both share the challenge of depression and mental illness. It's so hard for those who have never experienced this to truly "get" what we are going through. NOr do they appreciate the HUGE efforts we make each day to just function. For most people our thinking is "irrational" and no doubt it is. But if I was able to be a stable "rational" person .... I sure wouldn't have chosen depression as part of my life. As with so many things in life....I was genetically prone to this and it often seems that I have no control. Of coarse I know that's not totally true... I do have some control over how a act/reacte. I have control over what things I can do to get over the worst efforst and I can control what resources I use to do that. I gave away all of that control a couple of times and spent way too long in a very dark place where "non-exsistance" seemed like a good choice.
I got the address for your blog from an other site that I'm on nearly everyday. I hope that you don't mind me commenting here but please let me know if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
Be good to you - Razz