so, the XO left this morning for 3 weeks to patrol fisheries and board fishing boats. they do this stuff to make sure fishermen abide by quotas and stuff.
he called last nite to say gbye and we were both too tired to talk much, but we had a very nice saturday and sunday morning together.
it is easier this time bc im getting used to it but also hard still. i sent him a cute vid this morning, altho from past exp i think vids from my LG dont work on his iphone. never got a response. sent him a pic of a sand dollar he found for me the first time we went to the beach and went swimming tgthr. i remember that day. we were so new we hadnt even done more than hug yet. the current was very fast going east around the peninsula. i told him how a college friend of mine used to grab my hands and spin me around really fast bc i was so small and he was strong, wiry (a mountain climber). the XO smiled and took my hands. i said, "Don't let go," and i let go myself-- i stopped fighting and let the current yank my feet out from under me. My body flew out horizontal, parallel with the surface of the water. the XO was thinking i looked beautiful or sexy, i could tell. i twisted around to look behind me and feel the pull of the current. i felt the quiet calm strength in his wrists and arms. he just stood there enjoying me enjoying the moment. i was having fun. i felt like i was on a roller coaster and i love roller coasters. the thrill was the same. that was the day he found me my sand dollar.
i also sent him a song today thru iTunes. i know, enuf's enuf. im not writing him any emails, im waiting to hear from him. the first day they get underway (go out to sea) is always crazy busy. the song was "Don't Let the Stars Get in Your Eyes," covered by Jimmie Dale Gilmore. usually i hate country music, but i like the old timey stuff. just like i like old motown. both have soul. and the kinds of soul they have arent so different. bc both came out of poor cultures where religion was 50% of what kept ppl going but the other 50% was family.
i miss the XO. i love him and i want to tell him so. but ive learned not to say too much. he has the video, pic of the sand dollar in my palm, and the song about love and loneliness sung by a man with the voice of an angel. i cant do any more. hes diff from me and i dont mind that.
before he left, i mean before our late nite tired conversation, his last texts were, "you're so sweet. and sexy too :) " and yet im longing for some affirmation of his love or affection or his missing me. he told me he'd miss me. it's been less than one day. i know hes busy.
this is anxiety. it feels like im a ragdoll in a dog's mouth. a really big dog that weighs more than me. when he shakes me in his teeth he shakes up my self confidence, my natural hyper bounciness that is one of the things the XO loves about me (and that i love abt me too).
my actual diagnosis is anxiety, panic disorder, and major recurrent depression. there's a high degree of comorbidity for ppl w anxiety. i know this from having spent the last 3 years working on college level psychology textbooks at work. you proof the same thing enough times, eventually you absorb it thru osmosis.
idk how much of this shit is anxiety and how much is depression but if you want my gut's answer 90% of it is anxiety. ive never been with someone like the XO before. being with him is stretching me in a lot of ways, helping me to grow. i want to get to know him better. i want to have a family with him and name our first daughter Giuliana (Genevieve's my second choice ;). hey, im allowed to be insane in my own blog. this blog is abt me establishing a place where it's ok for me to be 100% truthful with myself, w no worries abt repurcussions. so.... the truth is, i will prolly cry a little bit tonight thinking abt the XO and wishing he'd send me a "good nite, i love you" msg.im guessing he wont have time til tmrw. but i need to talk to him abt it when he gets back i spose. idk. i dont need a lot. im trying to be patient bc there are reasons to be patient with him for a little while.
idk if i miss him yet or if i just need to hear him say "i love you" from afar. i know he loves me. and he even slept in a t shirt 2 nites in a row just for me even tho he usually sleeps in just boxers :) because when i miss him, i miss the smell of him when hes holding me. it's a mixture of guy and old spice and just XO. it makes me feel safe and it makes me smile. he looks good naked but always gets all embarrassed if i say so. so i try to say that in ways that make him smile and feel loved not shy :)
and mon ami, you know who you are. you are the sweet thing. not breakfast. ahahahaha. :) im allowed to tease you a little bit. it's helping me laugh.
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