Wednesday, October 13, 2010

truth

it's getting harder and harder to write about this honestly, even on here. it's too painful to think about, so i try to avoid it. but every other year of my life, that's how i've handled it, so it never got better.

doing the real work of changing is much different and a million times harder than i thought it was for the past year. i thought it just involved talking to someone once a week.

it doesn't. it means changing how i live, learning how to take care of myself so that i can live alone (i've always lived with friends or boyfriends), being regular about meds and my morning work routine, going to group therapy, adding more structure into the life of someone who is fundamentally a free spirit and who barely brushes her teeth consistently once a day :) i feed and water my pets more regularly than i take care of myself. this is gonna be hard. it got so deeply rooted so long ago that fixing it, even admitting it's a much bigger challenge than i thought it was, is hard to do. it scares me more than almost anything.

i have to make a phone call i am nervous about tonight. i have to call the XO. well, i dont have to, but i want to. there are a couple of things that happened this weekend between us that i need to know more of the truth about.

we went out to dinner, he mentioned his "dream sheet." (i will explain this later.) i excused myself and went to the ladies' room to text my best friend. i wrote, "how can he be so dopey as to bring that up during a date?" she wrote back, "he's a guy. i hope your nite gets better." the XO said that he doesnt like thinking about it either. more on that later too.

by the time we got home, we were having fun again. we always do get along very well. he was smiling, kissing me, looking up at my face, and i said, "i love your shoulders, i love your face, i love your kindness and intellectual curiosity." he smiled with real happiness and said, "It sounds like you love me."

i couldnt believe it. i said, "is that okay?" he said, "yes. i love you." i asked why. he said, "Because you're a wonderful person. You're sweet, kind, and loving. And....." i wont write the rest, but it involved him thinking im cute too (i find him incredibly attractive).

that's all i can handle for now. but that moment made me so happy i couldve just died in his arms right there. he wanted to know i loved him, and he told me he still loves me too. i wasnt really thinking id ever hear that from him again in a romantic way.

1 comment:

  1. I can relate to some of what you write about. I just stumbled across your blog today though, and am wondering what has happened to you since October?

    Just today I began a blog to do the same thing... have a place where I can be honest about my struggles. Currently I'm struggling to keep my job and recover from a few very damaging codependent relationships. I'm a mess though, and just try to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

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