today, my blackest day yet

for some reason, idk why. okay i lie. it's bc im wondering whether the xo's unsolicited texts every few days are just him checking up on me as a friend. i need to find out, next time i see him or before he leaves again, whether he still has feelings for me like he said he did when he dumped me, whether he still loves me like he also said when he dumped me, or whether that's all evaporating into a pile of oh we re just friends goo. i dont really believe that to be the case bc things were always intensely romantic btwn us right from the beginning and bc we have too many similarities for that to be true, and i also dont wanna ask bc then if whatever hes working thru has the poss to work thru and include him having feelings for me again, i dont wanna wreck that.

but all day today i just felt empty. like he was gone. and hes not. im seeing him saturday. but derek wants me to hook up with him and i wont bc of the xo. if a cool guy asked me on a date id go, sure. a date is just fun. but sex? no. im-- that's still part of what the xo and i are doing. and i cant do it with anybody else if i am doing it with him. because i love him, i still am in love with him, and i still have feelings for him. i cant. i lay there and cuddled half heartedly w derek-- both of us had our clothes on, of course-- and he mentioned that all i'd talked about since i came over was the xo. i smiled and said maybe another night. to be nice. i like him. he's a decent neighbor and a good kid. but i have more interest in going to the dentist right now than i do in random sex with some guy, even a friend.

i have already told the xo, the last time i saw him, that i would let him know if things became physical with anyone else. and i asked him if he was seeing anyone. he laughed and said no. i think he wants freedom from all emotions for right now, and knows he really fucked things up with me, so isnt looking to hurt anybody else. that's based on my knowledge of who he is and things he's told me.

im babbling. i realize im babbling bc it's late and im depressed and i love him and i know at some point i need to tell him my feelings for him havent changed even one tiny little iota.... but for now, im pretty sure he knows that or he wouldnt be acting as gently as he has been.

we'll work it out. we're both kind, good people who shared something special and still care for each other and always will, at least as dear friends, even if we never see each other again after his redeployment i know i can count on him to wish me nothing but happiness, and never to be petty. pettiness is not one of the xo's faults. that much i have learned.

i love you, sweetie. good nite.