took my meds but feel like im having a panic attack

havent heard from the xo since this sunday. if he doesnt text me til saturday i will feel like he really doesnt have feelings for me anymore and just wants to hang out to hang out or bc he is trying to be nice or likes being friends w benefits even tho he told me it was dating not friends w benefits.

i am getting to some sort of crisis point here where i need to tell him im still in love with him. yeah im on a dating website. yeah i m talking to guys about coffee dates, to begin the slow process of getting to know a new man as a friend first. im not jumping into anything crazy. i am so far from ready and i know that.

but idk why exactly but i am freaking out. i feel like he is being taken away from me. or like his heart is. if that is really what is going on in his heart, i need to know. he said there was a possibility, that he still had feelings too, just wasnt ready and didnt know if i was the one (how can he know w the mental state hes in? he cant).

but now im asking myself if he ever loved me at all.

my male friend would say i dont need the answer to this question today, to give things a few weeks to evolve and then make a decision based on the xo's overall behavior.... character arc... whatever you wanna call it ;) that was a sad wan smile, attempt at a joke (the character arc).

but i feel like i am going further and further down a downward spiral and need help. i have therapy tmrw a m . idk what to do btwn now and then. i keep wanting to call him, and i know he'd be as honest with me as he is able to, but id like to stick to what ive been doing lately-- not contacting him unless he contacts me first. i feel like it makes me more attractive to him and also, it helps me learn abt him, and it helps keep me from feeling totally, 100% pathetic.

i am lost. idk what to do. thoughts? anyone??? :-( i hardly ever have actual panic attacks, just general anxiety, so today i am really freaking out physically and mentally. i feel sick. i just realized i was going to write "i feel sick with worry" and then edited that mentally bc it sounds shameful, like i am crazy. but is that not the definition of having anxiety? literally being sick with worry?

somebody please help me...