Saturday, October 9, 2010

I still love the XO....

and I think I need to tell him. I told him last night I still had feelings for him and asked if he did for me. he said that wasnt a hard question, of course he still has feelings for me or he would just stop seeing me altogether. I explained to him that if that should change, I would want to know so that I could say goodbye for awhile and have time to heal and then come back and be friends.

I love him so very much. It is hard to put into words. I don't think I can. I just know if there were anything I could do to make him smile or make him happy, I would gladly do it. I miss him. I miss his smell. I miss his body and his arms around me and being close to him and going bowling with him. I miss everything except the distance.

He said that he misses me when I'm not around. I asked him if he ever did, and explained if he didnt, I would need to know so that I could change how I act around him and deal with my feelings. He knew what I meant. He said yes, he does miss me sometimes when I am not around.

Tonight I asked out a Coastie I met on Match-- he's just a ship maintenance guy, not super smart like the XO-- and he drove an hour down to where I live to see me. I asked him out because I know he's worked on the XO's ship, he met the XO once, and he's part of the same life the XO lives without me. I asked him out because I wanted to be close to the XO tonight because I missed him so much, but didn't dare tell him that, and couldnt, out of pride-- he did dump me.

I just wanted to have beers with him, but we ended up in bed together. It was great until I just all of a sudden curled up in a ball and started to cry. I explained to him it wasnt him, it was bc I felt like I had betrayed the XO. I said I was still in love with him.

This guy thinks I am very sexy and loved being with me, but had never met me before and I knew that I would not be hurting his feelings. Besides, I had to tell him the truth. I couldnt let him think he made me cry. That would have been horrible.

He was nice about it. He said he was fine, there was nothing to cry about. Then he put his hands on mine, and I felt the same calluses the XO has on his fingers, in the same places. I said so and started to cry again. He said, No, I don't want to make you cry! I said no, it's cool, I like the calluses. It's okay. I dried my eyes. I laughed about it a little.

Life is so difficult. Or not life. Love is. You can't make it do what you want. He said, "See, all these guys ruin it for guys like me. They make you women all gun-shy and sad." I think he was trying to be sweet or flatter me. But it was nice. He behaved well throughout.

I would like to see him again, but not until I can do so without crying. I told him that. He kept kissing me and saying I had such soft lips. He really made me feel good about myself in a way I had forgotten men do, the way the XO used to do, the way the XO did the last time he came to my place, when he kept calling me beautiful and saying other special things to make me feel wonderful, not just like we were loving each other.

I am pretty confused except that I know I love the XO.

This week, my new therapist told me she thinks I need more help than she can provide, and she thinks I need a partial outpatient hospital situation. I was terrified, panicked, and flabbergasted. She said my depression is too much.

Now work is threatening me about it. I got a scary email today. I have a scary meeting on Tuesday about my poor attendance during the short term disability for the anxiety, and the HR lady was so mean to me on the phone that I did not do a good enough job of defending myself. I wrote an email later in response to hers, did not send it, re read it hours later, revised, and sent it. I felt it was better to be truthful if I am going down, than to say nothing at all. It is better to try. I explained my doctor told me this week she thinks I am in the midst of a medical crisis that may result in hospitalization, and that the doctor said I should know by Tuesday morning whether I will be OK or not. All of this is true, the doctor said all of those things-- I just couldnt tell work in my email that it was psychological hospital treatment, round the clock therapy for depression. They probably think it is surgery or something. But it is as medically dire as surgery. It is keeping me from living an independent life. The doctor said if I cant learn to manage my depression, I will not be able to live on my own.

Nothing she could have said would have scared me more than that. It has been my greatest fear ever since growing up and seeing my crazy grandmother at every holiday. You dont understand. I was so frightened I couldnt breathe or speak.

And in the midst of this all, still, I feel this overwhelmingly calm and pure love for the XO, almost like agape but not really because I am in love with him, but as close to agape as I have ever been with a boyfriend. My feelings for him are something I may never be able to fully articulate, understand, or share with him. He was the first good, smart, intellectually curious, attractive, successful, interesting man who ever loved me. No one can ever know what that means, or how much I admire him and like just being with him, talking about history and politics and cooking and art and books and dogs and everything under the sun, how good I feel when we are just hanging out being together and being kind to each other and sharing an interesting conversation. I've never had that.

I love you, Mr. XO. I can say it here, but I can't say it irl. But at least saying it here lets me express it somehow. There's so much love inside me sometimes for the man he was to me when we met that I feel I will burst. I don't understand. Only time will tell.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Susan!

    Synchronicity touches down again...I haven't read about this "XO" yet, but I've recently started signing all my messages with this closing, not only "big hug, big kiss!" (or rather the other way around...I'm a little shaky today!), but because of the Elliot Smith (an ex's favourite, not mine, but I understand why he's his favourite) album entitled "XO", and because of Kierkegaard's *Either/Or*...it all seems connected somehow. I hope I don't sound toooooo crazy here ;) but I feel as if I've found a new friend, which is always so exciting, as it seems so few I meet in person REALLY understand me.
    Many cheers, and an honour to be on your blogroll! I hope we chat soon.
    scars... XO!

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