imaginary sand dollar on my wrist

how do you give up the sea and the stars once youve found them? how do you find them again? you make sure you keep them in whatever form theyre willing to appear. if they become your friends, you are better off than if you lose them completely. because by them, you are able to see better who you are, whom and what you admire, and where you want your life to go. maybe they're the only sea and stars youve ever really had, and that experience is something special no matter what.

i want one more tattoo. so that i will never forget what i have learned, even if he ends up being nothing but a friend. i want the sand dollar he found me, with the words "explore" and "remember".

i admired and respected him all along for how he lives his life. it's more what i want to be like than what im like right now. not his personality, i like my personality. but his strength, his strength of character, his logic, his courage, his willingness to explore life and see as much as he can and be himself and do things as much as he can.

meeting him is important to me regardless of what happens between now and june. and regardless of how much i love him still and am in love with him, if i am honest.

otherwise, he wouldnt have been the person i admired so much i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. to me, he will always be the sea but especially the stars, navigation, math, thoughtful analysis of anything he comes into contact with (except his own emotions).

also, he has been gentle with me, and kind, and tried to make me happy in little things. i notice them. i do the same stuff for him. we're trying to be kind to each other. it is a form of caring. i dont know if on his side it is love. it is on mine. but i havent hidden that from him. im just myself with him now. i stay positive and balanced, but i let him see the emotion behind it too.

i told him ething last week. so far, i am glad that i did.

how can someone change how you think so much and teach you so much without even trying? it must be because im ready. sometimes the same thing happens with my hot friend who gave me the t pass. but it wasnt until recently that i realized all along, the same things have been happening with the XO too. ive been learning things from him that ive been starved all my life to learn. and since he is a good person overall, no amount of romantic pain can keep me away from keeping on learning those lessons as much as he will let me before he leaves in june. knowing certain people changes your life. he is one of those people for me. he is not the only one. ive met at least two others this year. but he definitely is one. and that is why i maintain a relationship with him even though my friends think that is nuts, and part of me agrees with them.

the truth is, though, as real as all these reasons are..... love is behind them as much as anything. i am still in love with him. i have to admit that to myself. i am still in love with my baby.